Hit The Books
by kuchipachi
Summary: It's exam time! Soul doesn't wanna study, but Maka really REALLY wants him to. After she forces him to read a simple math book, his face somehow gets glued to the pages! Will he ever get it off? Will their relationship survive the exam period? Read to find out - but don't get your face glued to the screen! Rated M for Blair. SoMa romance fic with a hint of Crack.


**A/N: Yo! In-between writing the next chapter of Meisterchef I wanted to try writing some SoMa, so here it is! It's a weird mix of crack and romance. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!  
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 _ **Disclaimer** : __I don't own Soul Eater. Soul Eater is the property of Atsushi Ohkubo and Square Enix, and is not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only. **  
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 **[Once upon an exam period, in Maka and Soul's apartment]**

"How do you expect to pass the test if you don't do any studying?" I say to Soul, though he clearly isn't listening.

"Studying is so _uncool_. I'll get by just fine without it."

"Yeah, because that worked out real well last time..."

"This time I'll write notes on my _body_ rather than on my clothes."

"If you just _tried_ reading a book you'd realise how simple it is."

"It's only simple to you because you're such a bookworm."

"If you hate me a being a bookworm so much then why are you even dating me?"

"Woah, woah, slow down" he says, his grumpy face now looking concerned, "I didn't mean it like that."

"Look," I begin, "here's a math book. It's an easy math book, in simple language. If you get through it this week, you should be able to pass the test."

"Ughh goddamn I don't wanna have to read a whole fucking book."

"Just read it! Read a single page, come on!"

"Fine, fine!"

He takes the book from my hands and opens it. He pushes his nose into it, grunting, "Is this good enough for you?"

I sigh, "There's no changing you, is there?"

"You shouldn't need to change me."

"It's not that I wanna change you, Soul, that's not-"

"Hey, it's stuck."

"What do you mean it's stuck?"

I watch as Soul tries and fails to pull the book away from his face. He pushes and yanks and twists it till the veins on his hands are bulging under his skin, but it doesn't move an inch.

"Let me have a try," I say, but as I pull it towards me his head just gets dragged along with it. It really is stuck.

I cross my arms, "Did you do something weird to it?"

"Are you kidding? I did exactly what you said!"

"I didn't say to literally put your nose in it!"

"Don't blame _me_ for this!"

"I've read this book hundreds of times without problems!"

"What kind of book traps people's noses in it!?"

Then the doorbell rings.

"Oi, Soul," comes Black Star's voice, "I've brought the beer and I'm ready to party if you are! Don't expect me to get drunk though - beer has absolutely no effect on me thanks to my superhuman constitution."

"ANOTHER TIME, BLACK STAR!" Soul calls out, but I'm already at the door. Black Star stands before me, his arms full of beer cans.

"I shouldn't be surprised," I say, "you and Soul always manage to avoid studying."

"Hey, I've been doing push-ups all damn day! I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for Soul!"

Black Star peers past me. His eyes widen.

"Soul, why the hell are you kissing that book?"

"It's stuck to my face."

Black Star bursts out laughing, "You look like a total idiot!"

"It's not my fault! Maka made me do it!"

" _He's_ the one that got his nose stuck," I protest.

"You're whipped, Soul!" Black Star wheezes, out of breath from all his laughing, "You're a whipped man! Your girlfriend is making you kiss books!"

I Maka Chop Black Star and knock him and his beer to the ground. Soul starts smashing his head against a wall.

"Someone get this book off my face!"

Black Star leaps to his feet, and, screaming his own name ('BLACKK STARRRRRRRRR'), punches Soul squarely in the book-face. His knuckles connect with the book's spine and send Soul flying into a bookshelf. The bookshelf wobbles, tilts, sways and swings over, down onto Soul, sandwiching him to the floor. My jaw hits the ground along with the shelf.

"Soul!" I cry, running over to him, "Are you okay?"

"Mgghhphh."

"Job done," Black Star announces triumphantly.

I help Soul lift the bookshelf off of himself, but the math book is still there, just as glued to his face as it was before. Black Star is grinning like this is all somehow a huge success.

"I'm gonna have to reorganise all those books now, you know!" I say, giving Black Star the sternest expression my face can muster.

"If you were a god like me, you'd realise that a little mess like this is nothing to worry about."

"If you weren't insane, you'd realise that punching Soul in the face was _not_ the solution to this problem."

"Meow~!" sings a voice from the bathroom. I don't have time to avert my eyes before Blair walks in, wearing nothing except for some soap suds clinging to her skin from the bath she'd obviously just been taking.

"Oh Soul-kunnnn" she purrs, squeezing Soul against her naked body, "let Blair help you get that book off your face~"

Blood begins to drip down onto the floor from between the book's pages.

"Soul..." I growl, "is your nose bleeding?"

But he can't answer, as the cover of 'Math for Dummies!' is now pressed firmly between Blair's enormous breasts. That cat is always trying to come between us, trying to steal soul away from me with her perverted chest!

"Soul, get over here, now!"

Blair holds him tight against her. I grab his arm, "Come here, Soul!"

"Mmpph!"

"Soul-kun is saying he wants to stay with me, Maka!"

"Big boobs aren't everything, Blair!"

"How do you know? You're as flat as a board!"

Black Star steps between us.

"Cat lady, your chest _is_ magnificent. However, it pales in comparison to the almighty beauty of _my_ partner's chest!"

"Meow~ are you sure?"

She releases Soul. He wavers and loses his balance, but I catch him in my arms before he hits the floor.

"I'm as sure as I am all-powerful! If you don't believe me, come see! Tsubaki's indoors right now, probably bored out of her mind without me there. You can see the glory of her breasts first hand!"

"Oh my~"

The two idiots stroll out of our apartment without bothering to close the door, leaving Soul and I alone with the pile of books and disfigured wood planks that was the bookshelf. I half consider opening one of the cans of beer Black Star left, but then I come to my senses.

Soul slumps into the sofa and looks up at me. Or at least, I think he looks up at me. On instinct, I smile at him, but he can't see me through the book. I sit down beside him and look at the total mess that is our apartment, then I look back at Soul. Right now his face is a vomit-yellow book cover bent at weird angles and damp with bathwater. His handsome face is one of the reasons I fell for him, right from the start. I knew that I wanted to be his partner. We have arguments from time to time, and he _is_ way too obsessed with being cool, _and_ he doesn't take studying seriously, _and_ he and Black Star are terrible influences on each other, BUT... I wouldn't wanna work with anyone else. No, definitely not. No one else could make me feel like Soul does. No one else could protect me like Soul does. We protect each other. We know each other. We love each other.

"Soul," I begin, taking his hand, "I'm sorry I ranted at you earlier about studying..."

He shakes his head, "Don't be. You always get stressed around exam time. It wasn't like it was personal."

"It's okay if you don't study like I do. I don't mind."

"I don't mind if you _do_ mind. We all have our own way of doing things."

"No, what I mean is, I love you just as you are. I don't want you to force yourself to study just because of me."

"I could never study like you, but I know you were just trying to look out for me. You're always looking out for me. You were doing it in a stupid way, but then you always do."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"More like, you're an idiot. But I like that you're an idiot. You're an idiot because you care, and I think that's cool."

" _You're_ an idiot," I say, wrapping my arms around him.

"This book is really starting to itch now."

"I can't believe it's still stuck to your face."

"I can't even scratch my nose."

"Oh god, your nose is probably still bloody, right?"

"Ahhh crap, you're right."

I start laughing.

"Oi, what's funny?"

I try to reply, but I'm laughing too hard.

"Oi, Maka! This isn't funny, you know!" But he can't hide the laughter in his voice. Now we're both laughing. I'm crying into his arm I'm laughing so hard. His laughs are muffled by the book.

"This whole thing is so ridiculous!" I say. Soul, giggling so much that he can't even form coherent words, simply nods in reply.

Then the book falls off.

I stare at it, damp and speckled with blood in his lap. Neither of us say anything. The only sound is the wind outside, rattling in through the front door left ajar. Soul's nose is red, but it's not as ugly as I thought it'd be. Some of the blood is already crusty, but a bit of water would get rid of most of it straight away. He stares at me. He's always had such soft eyes. And a soft heart.

He puts his hands to his cheeks. "It fell off," he says.

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"You should wash your face."

"Ah, yeah, I should."

"I'll help you."

"No, I don't need-"

"Yes you do, come on!"

I drag him off of the sofa.

"God damn it, Maka, I know how to wash my own face!"

 **[Finis]**


End file.
